Comfort in Ambiguity
I learned as a young officer assigned to the 82nd Airborne Division that a drop zone at night is a chaotic place. It isn’t tough to imagine; 1000 Paratroopers landing, spread over about six square miles, with equipment being dropped in, and bad guys out there in the darkness. You better believe that even when things go exactly as planned, it is still a crazy place to be. And, boy, did we ever try to plan for any contingency.
There are other things you learn. No plan survives first contact with the enemy. Luck counts. Gravity doesn’t care who you are or what your rank is. You have to become flexible, physically and mentally. You must be comfortable not knowing, follow your last order, and focus on accomplishing your mission. I used to refer to that as having comfort in ambiguity.
In my days as a Paratrooper, I used to pride myself on being comfortable in ambiguity. Control what you can, adjust to the rest, you’ll never have all the answers. I was good with that. I embraced it instead of fighting it. I went with the plan until the plan was no longer feasible, then I adjusted. It was the only way to be successful. Thankfully, I had some AMAZING bosses that allowed all of us a lot of latitude to make those decisions. We knew their intent and as long as we were moving to accomplish that, they were good with it.
This publishing process has been a lot of me re-learning that same lesson. As good as I used to be a being comfortable in ambiguity, I realized quickly I am no longer “that guy”. I am much more rigid than I used to be. I definitely have control issues. I was always comfortable assuming risk on my own behalf, but publishing this novel is much more than that. This novel is the bullet out of the barrel that you can’t take back. It is something I produced that the world, quite literally, will judge. The impact of that is huge, at least for me. Because of that, I realized I am much less comfortable in ambiguity.
Those close to me, or that see or speak to me often, know there have been bouts of anxiety as this process has moved forward. My closest friend, who is also a writer, told me this career field is nothing but nausea and worry and that it is not at all what people believe it to be. He is right. He is also one of the people that encouraged me to do this. Maybe he should have told me all this BEFORE he talked me into it. Regardless, the ambiguity drives the anxiety.
I had that “lightbulb” moment this morning driving to work. I need to treat this whole process like a drop zone in the middle of the night. I know the plan. Adjust off the plan. This isn’t new. I know how to do this.
Have Comfort in Ambiguity.